14th September 2006,
5.50pm now. It's Thursday. The week gonna end soon. Time just flies, so fast. And I'm lingering around. Now is 2006, and I'm still lingering around. Today I'm very emotional, I don't know why. Is it to do with PMS again? But my menses not come yet, already over. This week rather still, very routine very slow very draggy. Work has been real routine, I don't have much friends in work to talk to and confide. It's not that I need people to confide, just that most of the staff are very seniours and difficult to make conversations. My work here has been really stagnant now, yes- even though management, but then I feel I'm not a good leader, I just don't know how to motivate staff. When got problem I'm not strong enough to back them up. I'm just too young and 'unexperience' to move up, or maybe I'm still the little 'timid' Shirley. It has been 3 years in management, yet I feel as if I don't really achieve anything. Feel so bored with the routine work, don't know whether it's time for me to have some change. Work is rather boring and nothing much to look forward to. Yet, I press on, believe God is trying to knock at my character, intergrity, I really don't know. I don't like to be in Managerial Position, it's probably I'm people-concious, or people-pleaser. Man-pleaser. Always mindful of what others said and what others see about me. I know I have to really change that. Or else my life will be drive only to please people.
I really don't know how to express much. My words are few, my vocabs are few. My English not that good, even though I'm Eng-ed. I don't know how to sweet talk people. I am just that, and I don't like the way I behave, don't know how to talk, don't know how to learn- no motivation at all. What a Christian?! What an example? PR no good. I always like to think bad about myself, always not satisfied. Today was so sad- and feel so lonely. Sometimes there's no reason for that. Then I linger on, probably I entertain the thought, the lies of the enemy- saying Shirley, you're bad, you're bad, very pitiful, nobody's child, no one loves you..you're nothing. Even I know what the Bible said, I'm God's child- yet, sometimes, or many times I feel so defeated and lost. As if not rooted firmly in the Words.
I can be high and mighty at one time, and after few days, drop down flat, defeated. There is no consistency. I really need God's strength to overcome my weakness. "Your Grace is sufficient for me, Your Strength is made perfect in my weakness". How to be consistent? This week ACTS talking about Prayer. Prevailing in Prayer...Am I prayerful enough? How do I approach prayer? Oh Lord, I need to buckle up myself, and I can't do it with my own strength. At time, I feel You're so far. At times, I feel I can't reach You...and I feel as if I'm drowning apart, and it's so long to reach You. Daddy, rekindle that fire Lord. I want to please you and You alone. Not man, not others. I want the first love, the passion, the love, the purpose of life. And most of all I need You. Strengthen my inner stances Lord, strengthen me I pray, tht I will not swayed to the left or right, but to remain steadfast, holding on to Your commandment.
